Saturday 15 October 2011

Not Goodbye But Goodnight




Close your eyes, Daddy
And lay down to your rest,
We all know how much you're tired now-
Much more pain we wouldn't let.
Close your eyes now, Daddy
We'll all stand close by,
But we'll only say 'Goodnight, Daddy'
And not the sad goodbye.

Close your eyes now, Daddy
And worry for us no more,
The days ahead will be different-
But you'll just be up there for sure,
We know that you won't leave us
By closing your eyes we knew-
You'd be our angel in heaven
And you'll be watching us through.

Close your eyes now, Daddy
We'll have tears for a while,
As your presence here on Earth
Will be missed all the time,
But Daddy we assure you
That in our hearts you'll live,
So goodbye this is not gonna be-
But just goodnight in serenity.

Close your eyes now, Daddy
As we kiss you goodnight,
We'll hold your hand for the last time
But it will never be goodbye,
God awaits you in His embrace
While all the angels in Heaven sings-
Their hymns and praises as they welcome
Another child of our Almighty King.

-by TsoCo Lat-
15 October 2011

Tuesday 11 October 2011

Daddy

I am away from home working abroad when my father, whom my sisters and I used to call 'Daddy',  was hospitalized due to Chronic Renal Failure. Since I was in elementary, he already sufferred from kidney stones and have undergone one operation.

There was two instances that stucked in my young memory how my father's life had been all about this stones.

First was when we were walking around the block down to our house in Manila when he suddenly stopped and folded his knees on the ground due to the abrupt pain on his lower side of the belly. I couldn't describe the look on his face and I run to our house shouting ''Mama''. I was like 7 or 8 years old then.

Second was after 5 or 6 years when he surprised us one day by showing up in front of our home when we all know that he's working abroad.  He never told anyone, even my Mama, that he's coming home that day. When we found out that he is sick and should undergo a kidney stone operation - that's when we understood why his coming home had been a surprise.

As I have been busy turning into an adolescent that time of my father's life, all I can remember is the scar that is visible on the lower left side of his tummy. The living scar that I believed had freed him from the pain. I have always looked at it with gladness because that scar means my Dad is okay.

But I was wrong. And I only realized that when he again started to have symptoms like the cloudy-brown urine which only means that there is again an infection in his urinary tract. He again suffered pain.

It was confusing at times why it is happening. My father  doesn't drink alcohol. He doesn't smoke (though I know smoking does not have anything to do with kidney stones). He eats home-cooked meal directly from our kitchen, cooked by my Mom. He kept a diet as advised by doctors. He also used to drink a tea made from 'sambong' leaves to help clean his urine. He drinks litres of water everytime. Litres! Enough to wash out the acids and toxins in his body that causes the infections.

But it doesn't end.

Being diagnosed with Chronic Renal Failure now is a nightmare. And that is where he is now -- on a hospital bed without any sign of recovery. He has oxygen because he coughs continuously due to pneumonia. He had been ''tubed'' for a dialysis procedure to avoid the spreading of the toxins in his system. And lately, he had been ''tubed'' from the nose to his stomach to enable feeding.

As I am far away, my youngest sister keeps me up-to-date with our father's status and she writes this to me just a while ago..

     ''Our dad had been confined at the hospital for more than 2 weeks now due to chronic renal failure. His kidneys are not functioning properly that's why his creatinine levels are very high. The complications made the hemoglobin in his blood very low thus needing a blood transfusion from time to time. He is undergoing a series of hemodialysis 2 to 3 times a week to remove the toxins that poisons the blood. He is also suffering from pneumonia, his lungs had been filled with water which caused him to cough non-stop. The tubes in one of his lungs are not functioning anymore as the pulmonary doctor had said. He had a mild heart attack upon confinement 2 weeks ago. His hands and feet are swollen due to water retention and he seldom urinate.''

     ''He now feeds on a tube inserted from the nose to the stomach. He never sleep for the past 4 days, he only took naps. He talks a lot and hums melodies while eyes are closed. He sings a lot yesterday. He even puts the pain that he feels into a song... 'parang andami dw bata at alambreng umiikot s likod nya' (seems like there's a lot of little kids playing and cable wires going round and round his back) ... He thanks all the friends and relatives visiting him in a song with a happy tune, 'Salamat,salamat sa inyo.. Dinalaw,dinalaw niny0 ako.." (Thank you, thank you to all of you for visiting me). Daddy is not capable to speak properly now... but he still responds by nodding or turning his head slightly from side to side.''

He could not sleep now. Or to write it exactly as what is right - he doesn't want to sleep now. For the past 4 days, he just takes short naps because he's afraid that he will not wake up anymore when he sleep.

I could not imagine his pain. I could not even imagine how he looks on the hospital bed. And it just breaks me. It breaks us all apart even without feeling a bit of the pain he is feeling right now and even not knowing how hard he struggles for every breath to live.

He needs a miracle from above. And a miracle with all the love we can give.

I could only pray,

''Embrace him, Lord,
Hold my father's hand.
Give him the strength to stay if he should,
But if he must leave -
Lead him to Your Light.
Amen.''

...

Monday 10 October 2011

Images and Words



Our prayers are always heard.
  Everything that happens is in God’s sublime and magnificent plan.
  We are not ignored.
  Only that God has His own time.
  Trust that everything is in His hands.

-TsoCo Lat-

Images and Words

Pedro Tavares Photos: The World Through a Lens @ Google +

''It’s not easy not to move knowing that you’re needed from a thousand miles away by the people you love.
But with restrictions of all  kinds, all you can do is sit and watch with your mind.
And feel cold.. and not sleep.. and cry.''
 
 
- TsoCo Lat-

At Twilight

10 October 2011
by TsoCo Lat



There would never be another time
To hold and to be in this place
The wind touching our face
Brings our spirits a cold shiver.


I stare to nowhere
I can only see light
If this is where you can rest
We'll let go of your hand.


Our time together has gone
With love we journeyed on
If still a few remains now
Each breath means life undone.


There could not be another chance
As the last few leaves of the tree shall fall
But you'll never be alone
You're enclosed in our love
... and forever we shall hold.


I love you, Daddy. It is heartbreaking that this is happening now that we're a thousand miles apart. But know in your heart that I've never really been far. Rest if you must, but if you still can find strength to live - - - we are all here for you.

Sunday 9 October 2011

Random Thoughts

Time changes things.
It changes people.
It changes how we think and how we see things.
It changes the way we think.
It changes a little bit or much of what we are.

I love you then. I love you still.
But the time in between then and now have done so much..
To change how I am.

I love you then and with just a word from you -
I can leave my world and run away in your arms.
I love you still but I have my own life to live now.
Without you.

The Chaplet of Divine Mercy

The Lord said to Blessed Faustina:

"You will recite this chaplet on the beads of the Rosary in the following manner:"

First of all, you will say one Our Father, one Hail Mary, and the I Believe In God.

Then: On the Our Father Beads you will say the following words:

Eternal Father, I offer You the Body and Blood Soul and Divinity of Your dearly beloved Son, Our Lord Jesus Christ, in atonement for our sins and those of the whole world.

On the Hail Mary Beads you will say the following words:

For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.

In conclusion ThreeTimes you will recite these words:

Holy God, Holy Mighty One, Holy Immortal One, have mercy on us and on the whole world. (Diary, 476)

Our Lord said to Blessed Faustine:

Unceasingly recite this chaplet that I have taught you. Whoever will recite it will receive great mercy at the hour of death ... Priest will recommend it to sinners as their last hope of salvation. Even the most hardened sinner, if he recites this chaplet even once, will receive grace from My infinite mercy (687) ... Oh, what great graces I will grant to souls who will recite this chaplet (848) ... Through the chaplet you will obtain anything, if what you ask for is compatible with My will (1731) ... I want the whole world to know My infinite mercy. I want to give unimaginable graces to those who trust in My mercy (687).




Speak, Lord . . . Your Servant Listens +++

Prayer is, in the strictest sense, a humble religious petition of man to God to seek divine benevolence and benefits he needs for life, both temporal and eternal. It is a conversation with God, either by accepted prayer forms, or from the heart. Here, then, in conversational verse, is a hypothetical talk the Lord might have with us, His children..........

It is not necessary my child, to know much in order to please me much; it is enough that you love me fervently. Speak here to me then, as you would speak to your most intimate friend, to your mother, to your brother.

So, you want to ask me to do something for someone? Tell me his name. Is it your parents, your brothers, your friends? Tell me what you want me to do for them now. Ask much, very much: do not hesitate to ask. I love generous hearts who somehow can come to forget themselves to look after the needs of others. Speak sincerely to me then, of the poor you would console, of the sick you see suffering, of the strayed you yearn to see return to the right path, of those absent friends you want at your side again. Say at least one word for each, the ardent word of a friend. Remind me that I have promised to listen to every petition that arises from the heart, and is not a prayer for those whom your heart especially loves such a pray?

And for you: do you need a particular favor? Make a list, as it were, of your needs, and come and read it in my presence.

Tell me frankly that you are prone to anger, that you love sensuality and pleasure, that you are perhaps proud, variable, negligent . . . Ask me to come to the help of those efforts, many or few, which you undertake to free yourself from these faults.

Do not be ashamed, poor soul; there are in Heaven so many saints who had these same defects; but they prayed humbly, and little by little they saw themselves freed from them.

Do not hesitate to ask Me for spiritual and material goods; for health, memory, success in your work, enterprises and studies; all these I can give and I do give -- as long as they do not hinder, but rather assist your sanctification. Precisely today, what do you need? What can I do for you? If only you knew how much I would like to help you!

Do you have, right now, some project in mind? Tell me everything in detail. What preoccupies you? What are you thinking? What do you want? What do you want me to do for your parents, your brothers, your children, your superiors? What would you want to do for them?

And for me, do you feel an attraction for my glory? Do you not want to do something for those friends whom you love much but who perhaps live separated from me?

Tell me what in particular attracts your attention today, what you desire most ardently and what means you have of obtaining it? Tell me if your plans are not working and I will tell you the causes of your difficulties. Do you not want to interest me in your quest? My dear one, I am the Lord of hearts and I move them, without violating their freedom, to wherever I please.

Are you perhaps sad, or in bad humor? Tell me, tell me, you inconsolable soul, tell me your sorrows in all their details. Who wounded you? come close to my Heart, and find in it a refreshing balsam for the wounds in yours. Then, you will confess that, like me, you forgive everything, you forget everything. In appreciation, you will receive my consoling benediction.

Are you perhaps afraid? Do you feel in your soul those vague stirrings of sadness which, however unjustified, can be so tearing? Throw yourself in the arms of my Providence. I am with you. I am at your side. I see everything. I hear everything. I shall not abandon you for one moment.

Do you feel ignored by persons who loved you once but who now have forgotten you without cause? Pray from them and I will bring them back to you if they are not obstacles to your salvation.

And don't you have, perhaps, some joy to communicate to me? Why don't you let me share it with you, like a friend?

Tell me what has consoled and gladdened your heart since yesterday, since you last visited me. Perhaps you have had an agreeable surprise; perhaps you have seen grave doubts dissipated, or you have received good news -- a letter, or perhaps a gesture of love. Maybe you have overcome some difficulty, or come out of a trying situation. All of this is my work. I have obtained this for you. Why not show me your gratitude and say, like a child to its father, "Thank you, my Father, thank you." Gratitude brings forth new gifts since benefactors, as you know, like to see themselves appreciated.

Do you not have a promise to make to me? I read, you know, the bottom of hearts. Men are easily deceived, but not God. Speak to me, then honestly; do you have firm intentions of avoiding the occasion of sin? Of denying yourself that object that harmed your soul? Of not reading again that book which excited your imagination? Of avoiding that person who disturbed the peace of your soul?

Will you be kind to that person who, because he offended you, you have regarded as an enemy?

And now, my child return to your work, to your office, to your family, to your studies -- but do not forget these fifteen minutes of intimate conversation we have had in the privacy of the sanctuary. Keep as much as possible, silence, resignation, modesty, charity towards your neighbors. Love and honor my Mother, who is also your Mother. And please come again tomorrow with an even more fervent heart, to unite it to mine. In it you will find every day new love, new gifts, new consolation. Here I await you.

Saturday 8 October 2011

The YES Prayer

By Anthony DeStefano
















With praise for all You are, Lord
And thanks for all You bless
Lord, grant this ten petitions
...
With your eternal Yes:

Please show me that You're there
When I can't see Your face
Send troubled souls my way
Their wounds I will erase;

Let me see with Your eyes
My mind with Your thoughts fill
But more than wisdom, give me
The strength to do Your will;

Bless me with abundance
Then put me to the test
Gladly will I give you
More than I possess;

Send me Your tranquility
In troubled times and calm
With loving arms sustain me
through suffering and harm;

Forgive me for my sins
Though legion they may be
When death and evil triumph
Bring good from tragedy;

But most of all reveal
The meaning of my life
The purpose of my glories
The reasons for my strife
My destiny in Heaven
No tears to flow again
My God, please grant me all
In Christ Our Lord
Amen.

Thursday 6 October 2011

'You've got to find what you love,' Jobs says...



Photo Credits:  http://blog.archimedesconsulting.co.uk/2010/01/the-presentation-magic-of-steve-jobs/


This is a prepared text of the Commencement address delivered by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, on June 12, 2005.

''I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college.  Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation.  Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out? 

It started before I was born.  My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption.  She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife.  Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl.  So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?"  They said: "Of course."  My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school.  She refused to sign the final adoption papers.  She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college. 

And 17 years later I did go to college.  But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition.  After six months, I couldn't see the value in it.  I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out.  And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life.  So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK.  It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made.  The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting. 

It wasn't all romantic.  I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple.  I loved it.  And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on.  Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country.  Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed.  Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this.  I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great.  It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating. 

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life.  But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me.  And we designed it all into the Mac.  It was the first computer with beautiful typography.  If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts.  And since Windows just copied the Mac, it's likely that no personal computer would have them.  If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do.  Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college.  But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later. 

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards.  So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.  You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever.  This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life. 

My second story is about love and loss. 

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life.  Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20.  We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees.  We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30.  And then I got fired.  How can you get fired from a company you started?  Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well.  But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out.  When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him.  So at 30 I was out.  And very publicly out.  What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.  

I really didn't know what to do for a few months.  I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me.  I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly.  I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley.  But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did.  The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit.  I had been rejected, but I was still in love.  And so I decided to start over. 

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.  The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything.  It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life. 

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife.  Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world.  In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance.  And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together. 

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple.  It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it.  Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick.  Don't lose faith.  I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did.  You've got to find what you love.  And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers.  Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work.  And the only way to do great work is to love what you do.  If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle.  As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on.  So keep looking until you find it.  Don't settle.

My third story is about death. 

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right."  It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?"  And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something. 

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.  Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose.  You are already naked.  There is no reason not to follow your heart. 

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer.  I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas.  I didn't even know what a pancreas was.  The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months.  My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die.  It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months.  It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family.  It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day.  Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor.  I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery.  I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope it's the closest I get for a few more decades.  Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die.  Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there.  And yet death is the destination we all share.  No one has ever escaped it.  And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life.  It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away.  Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life.  Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking.  Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice.  And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.  They somehow already know what you truly want to become.  Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation.  It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch.  This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras.  It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions. 

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue.  It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age.  On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous.  Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish."  It was their farewell message as they signed off.  Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.  And I have always wished that for myself.  And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry.  Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.''