Daddy

I am away from home working abroad when my father, whom my sisters and I used to call 'Daddy',  was hospitalized due to Chronic Renal Failure. Since I was in elementary, he already sufferred from kidney stones and have undergone one operation.

There was two instances that stucked in my young memory how my father's life had been all about this stones.

First was when we were walking around the block down to our house in Manila when he suddenly stopped and folded his knees on the ground due to the abrupt pain on his lower side of the belly. I couldn't describe the look on his face and I run to our house shouting ''Mama''. I was like 7 or 8 years old then.

Second was after 5 or 6 years when he surprised us one day by showing up in front of our home when we all know that he's working abroad.  He never told anyone, even my Mama, that he's coming home that day. When we found out that he is sick and should undergo a kidney stone operation - that's when we understood why his coming home had been a surprise.

As I have been busy turning into an adolescent that time of my father's life, all I can remember is the scar that is visible on the lower left side of his tummy. The living scar that I believed had freed him from the pain. I have always looked at it with gladness because that scar means my Dad is okay.

But I was wrong. And I only realized that when he again started to have symptoms like the cloudy-brown urine which only means that there is again an infection in his urinary tract. He again suffered pain.

It was confusing at times why it is happening. My father  doesn't drink alcohol. He doesn't smoke (though I know smoking does not have anything to do with kidney stones). He eats home-cooked meal directly from our kitchen, cooked by my Mom. He kept a diet as advised by doctors. He also used to drink a tea made from 'sambong' leaves to help clean his urine. He drinks litres of water everytime. Litres! Enough to wash out the acids and toxins in his body that causes the infections.

But it doesn't end.

Being diagnosed with Chronic Renal Failure now is a nightmare. And that is where he is now -- on a hospital bed without any sign of recovery. He has oxygen because he coughs continuously due to pneumonia. He had been ''tubed'' for a dialysis procedure to avoid the spreading of the toxins in his system. And lately, he had been ''tubed'' from the nose to his stomach to enable feeding.

As I am far away, my youngest sister keeps me up-to-date with our father's status and she writes this to me just a while ago..

     ''Our dad had been confined at the hospital for more than 2 weeks now due to chronic renal failure. His kidneys are not functioning properly that's why his creatinine levels are very high. The complications made the hemoglobin in his blood very low thus needing a blood transfusion from time to time. He is undergoing a series of hemodialysis 2 to 3 times a week to remove the toxins that poisons the blood. He is also suffering from pneumonia, his lungs had been filled with water which caused him to cough non-stop. The tubes in one of his lungs are not functioning anymore as the pulmonary doctor had said. He had a mild heart attack upon confinement 2 weeks ago. His hands and feet are swollen due to water retention and he seldom urinate.''

     ''He now feeds on a tube inserted from the nose to the stomach. He never sleep for the past 4 days, he only took naps. He talks a lot and hums melodies while eyes are closed. He sings a lot yesterday. He even puts the pain that he feels into a song... 'parang andami dw bata at alambreng umiikot s likod nya' (seems like there's a lot of little kids playing and cable wires going round and round his back) ... He thanks all the friends and relatives visiting him in a song with a happy tune, 'Salamat,salamat sa inyo.. Dinalaw,dinalaw niny0 ako.." (Thank you, thank you to all of you for visiting me). Daddy is not capable to speak properly now... but he still responds by nodding or turning his head slightly from side to side.''

He could not sleep now. Or to write it exactly as what is right - he doesn't want to sleep now. For the past 4 days, he just takes short naps because he's afraid that he will not wake up anymore when he sleep.

I could not imagine his pain. I could not even imagine how he looks on the hospital bed. And it just breaks me. It breaks us all apart even without feeling a bit of the pain he is feeling right now and even not knowing how hard he struggles for every breath to live.

He needs a miracle from above. And a miracle with all the love we can give.

I could only pray,

''Embrace him, Lord,

Hold my father's hand.

Give him the strength to stay if he should,

But if he must leave -

Lead him to Your Light.

Amen.''

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